Not over

Everyday I think to myself, "what next?" I am constantly asking myself what am I to do next, sometimes the question is not really voiced because I know before I even ask. Like when class is or what not, or work starts. But "what next" when I ask that every night before I fall asleep I think, now I'll go to sleep and if God doesn't take me before I wake (like the old prayer I prefer the old one over the new version) I'll get up and follow my schedule like last week.
In the morning when I wake when I ask "what next" the answer is way more simple, take my shower, get dressed go to school (I work at school) and do whatever is required of me that day there be it class or work or both.

It's the times when I am sitting in the dark in my room thinking, writing, reading or just wondering in my thoughts (the ones that aren't really thinking) and the question "what next" comes up that I panic the most.

What is next? Grad school...marriage...work...family...work....little bit of pleasure...family...work...pay bills and so on and so on and so on. It's never over, until there is a short paragraph about me in the newspaper. What does that little paragraph matter? Is that all we really leave? I don't actually want kids so no genetic imprint from me in the future unless for some freak reason I don't marry the love of my life and end up in some dead end relationship with a guy that I don't want to be with and just have kids to keep me sane and to give me an excuse on Friday nights to stay at home? I don't want that. I want to mean something, but I don't want it to be me that means something. I want something I say to stick and spread like wildfire. I don't want to be the "i like turtles" kid. I want there to be depth in what I say. I want some poor college student 50 years from now groan when the teacher says they'll be reading a book from Leslie Diamond that semester. I want the kid next to that kid hop up and shout "yes". Problem is I am no where good enough to write a story that causes someone to cry with joy and all the while tear apart my story down to the color of the car.

So what is next? I write my NaNoWriMo and disappear into obscurity? It isn't a story for schools. In fact since it has magic it'll be banned from some schools. That's something that makes me smile. It'll be controversial. No one will be watching their mail boxes for a letter on their 11th birthday because of my book. Maybe someone will go to my favorite restaurant (the characters in my book visit it a few times...actually a lot of plot is developed there just like my real life). It'd be nice if people went there, so far those who read my blog don't live close enough except for one person and I know he goes so I'm not going to bother putting the name of the restaurant here.

So what's next? I get published...maybe...probably not. I know the story isn't that good. I can try. I did once before. It's nigh impossible for a new writer to break into the scene though, so should I even try? Why do I keep writing if I don't try or plan on trying? I don't know I just do.

So what's next? I keep writing. I keep going about my boring routine and while I do I'll leave a few marks behind and someone in the future long after I'm gone will know the name Leslie Diamond (and maybe even my real name) and they'll say, "She was brilliant. I wonder what her inspiration was?" That person doesn't know but they are.

So here is to you future, it's not over yet! I'll see you soon and when we meet I'll have some ideas for you. Hope you're ready for me, because I'm ready for you.